What words do I write; what do I describe? A pain, a loss?
None or all of these things?
The question perhaps should be, dare I?
I am caught.
So many threads gathering no sameness here; all is different all are puzzles and the answers fractured.
I felt loss today. A realisation. There are moments; some would say, defining, long lasting. (I would say cruelly defining).
I wonder, when at the end of it all, should I have any care to do so and look back, will I weigh the sorrows and the cruelty and then speak of its (lifes) worth?
It is a form of acceptance I must think on...this realisation. I must think further and re-evaluate. This melancholy has a grip. I thought it would pass by now.
Many threads indeed.
I also felt the blood pump in my viens. I felt such joy at new possibilities new ideas and theories. The chase of words the gathering of ideas. The unexplored potential. The vitality only my work can infuse.
The conduit, as thriving and vibrant as it ever was. This is what I feel when embarking on new work!
The mind working toward a purpose a conclusion. This is when I know my research has uncovered that one moment a spark that ignites a starting point.
I was about to savour this until in that same moment...I realised how cruel and unforgiving existence truly is.
It's alright, and once I have come to terms I will accept this final cruel act.
I will complete my work and in doing I will at least forget until I look up from the page. I suppose really that is the point. A small victory gained in forgetting.
At least while working I can forget I'm falling.
Do you see?